I remember, part of the reason I fell in love with my partner was because…we could just…leave things that didn’t feel helpful, good and were just plain harmful.
We left a writing retreat once, at the beginning of our relationship even though it was costly, and we’d driven for 17 hours to get there…because it was highly toxic (and I’d had a meltdown after standing up for myself)…and my partner was like…we can just…go.
And we had one of the most amazing trips of my life. My partner and I got to know each other, and found that we were brilliant travel companions…
And just writing this story out reminds me why, after nearly 9 years together, we are still in a loving egalitarian magical relationship.
Because being able to say no, even mid-step, even if you’ve committed to something…
It’s the kind of freeing I need in my life.
So I know the things that I want to be a part of are actually the things I should be spending my energy on.
I love this letter. Thank you for the gentle reminder to listen to myself. And to allow myself to feel good without having to use that energy somewhere!
It's reminding me of a similar thing my partner and I "figured out" together: That if we find ourselves at a show or concert and we aren't enjoying ourselves (for any number of reasons), we are allowed to leave. We now routinely remind each other that it's ok to "leave the concert early," so to say, no matter the reason. I think there's some scarcity mindset that can get wrapped up in all this, too, and make it feel harder to prioritize need.
Anyway, I'm so grateful for your reciprocity + your words.
We often, and hilariously, don’t even go to the concert anymore. I think because I realized that most events are no longer sensory-safe for me anymore.
I’m so grateful to my younger self who did ALL the things…so that I can do less of them now knowing that I have led a pretty remarkable life.
That time in my garden, sitting by the ocean, and quiet coffees with friends is an okay way for me to get my needs met.
I definitely used to suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) and now I very much lean into the JOMO (joy of missing out)…I guess because I no longer feel like I’m missing things.
Thank you again, for your letters, and for this space to engage in a thoughtful and meaningful way.
I appreciate you and your writing more than I can put into words right now.
YES. I'm still working on identifying my edges and recognizing when I want to return to something because I feel like I "should" vs. when I wanted to because I *want* to, but I'm starting to get better at it.
Nice to wake up to this thought piece. I’m a social worker, retired supposedly about 9 months now. All the world needs every social worker.. whadaya mean you’re retired? — in my head when I see, hear, know someone is struggling.
I want to come home to my Self. I signed in for a Substack but haven’t completed my own intro in a full year of stacking w others learning the trade cause I’ve become so attached to all the brilliance joining these pages day after day ! 💕😄 gotta support the newbies!
Maybe your wake up for me is this day before Xmas is my gift to myself!
This was the reminder I didn’t know I needed. It’s spot on for me this week. Thank you for writing it. I might come back later and write down parts of it in my journal.
THAT moment - you’re so spot on; it is so easy to not trust that “good” moment after setting a boundary or removing myself and getting sucked right back in. A rubber band is my mental image.
I hadn’t been aware how engrained “maybe I overreacted and this probably wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it was” still is. I really needed that insight. It all comes back to self trust, doesn’t it?
So much ‘YES’ resounding in my head! So many fragments of thought-what do I deserve? Is deserving relative to others experiences or my own work and responsibilities? Who do I look to for permission? I judge my strength by how much hard stuff I stick with. I have a lot to journal through…
This is great to hear, Christie. Your question about the *relativity* of all this feels especially potent, and it has me thinking about the role of context. How things can seem much smaller / less important than they are only by stripping them of context...
Looking forward to hearing how the journaling goes <3
Yessss! I’ve explored this around the word “deserve” - I think it can be a useful one AND I think it also invites a lot of measuring ourselves and what we feel we need to earn or have already “earned”.
This is so powerful! I've been reflecting on this theme lately too, and the clarity of your words is so helpful right now. I co-facilitated an event last weekend that took a lot of energy from me in the lead-up and during the day itself. In the relief of it being over and now being able to more easily meet my needs for rest and respite from demands, I notice I have slid into a kind of override where it "doesn't matter" if I don't have enough sleep, now that the event is over, because I don't have anything I have to conserve energy for. It doesn't "matter" as much if I am tired over Christmas, and over-extending socially, because I've HAD my relief moment. It's insidious. Memories also come of times I've returned to harmful relationships once the relief of leaving had made its way through my system.
Oof---YES. That thing, too: When we allow ourselves to let certain things matter, versus when we don't. Thanks for teasing out this aspect. May we each be the arbiter of our own mattering <3
Thank you, Sarah. This is definitely a walk-off Grand Slam for me. (And one I'm going to need to reread approximately 100 times this week.)(See also: tattoo my knuckles.) 🌻
Well-said Sarah. The 'That' you mention makes me think of "I am That" by Nisargadatta Maharaj. An interesting read. A great message you point out too not having to "earn or justify your preferences, boundaries, or needs."
‘You are allowed to not want to do things, to say “no,” to protect your edges, and to steward your desires without assuming they must be counterbalanced with sacrifice.’ Ooof. This hit a spot. Thank you for this writing 🙏
Also, thank you for this reminder. I don't like that I need this reminder so often, especially after I feel like I've permanently landed on this knowing, but turns out I do need this reminder periodically. THANK YOU.
PS-Thank you to your readers, for the comments to this post. So helpful.
This was such a good reminder.
I remember, part of the reason I fell in love with my partner was because…we could just…leave things that didn’t feel helpful, good and were just plain harmful.
We left a writing retreat once, at the beginning of our relationship even though it was costly, and we’d driven for 17 hours to get there…because it was highly toxic (and I’d had a meltdown after standing up for myself)…and my partner was like…we can just…go.
And we had one of the most amazing trips of my life. My partner and I got to know each other, and found that we were brilliant travel companions…
And just writing this story out reminds me why, after nearly 9 years together, we are still in a loving egalitarian magical relationship.
Because being able to say no, even mid-step, even if you’ve committed to something…
It’s the kind of freeing I need in my life.
So I know the things that I want to be a part of are actually the things I should be spending my energy on.
I love this letter. Thank you for the gentle reminder to listen to myself. And to allow myself to feel good without having to use that energy somewhere!
Wow: Thank you for this beautiful share, Wake!
It's reminding me of a similar thing my partner and I "figured out" together: That if we find ourselves at a show or concert and we aren't enjoying ourselves (for any number of reasons), we are allowed to leave. We now routinely remind each other that it's ok to "leave the concert early," so to say, no matter the reason. I think there's some scarcity mindset that can get wrapped up in all this, too, and make it feel harder to prioritize need.
Anyway, I'm so grateful for your reciprocity + your words.
I love this too!
We often, and hilariously, don’t even go to the concert anymore. I think because I realized that most events are no longer sensory-safe for me anymore.
I’m so grateful to my younger self who did ALL the things…so that I can do less of them now knowing that I have led a pretty remarkable life.
That time in my garden, sitting by the ocean, and quiet coffees with friends is an okay way for me to get my needs met.
I definitely used to suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) and now I very much lean into the JOMO (joy of missing out)…I guess because I no longer feel like I’m missing things.
Thank you again, for your letters, and for this space to engage in a thoughtful and meaningful way.
I appreciate you and your writing more than I can put into words right now.
<3<3<3!!
YES. I'm still working on identifying my edges and recognizing when I want to return to something because I feel like I "should" vs. when I wanted to because I *want* to, but I'm starting to get better at it.
It is a slow practice for me, too. Grateful for your company :)
Nice to wake up to this thought piece. I’m a social worker, retired supposedly about 9 months now. All the world needs every social worker.. whadaya mean you’re retired? — in my head when I see, hear, know someone is struggling.
I want to come home to my Self. I signed in for a Substack but haven’t completed my own intro in a full year of stacking w others learning the trade cause I’ve become so attached to all the brilliance joining these pages day after day ! 💕😄 gotta support the newbies!
Maybe your wake up for me is this day before Xmas is my gift to myself!
I'm so glad my words are landing like a gift for you, Carol! I think 2025 could be a great year for you to kick-off your own written brilliance.
This was the reminder I didn’t know I needed. It’s spot on for me this week. Thank you for writing it. I might come back later and write down parts of it in my journal.
THAT moment - you’re so spot on; it is so easy to not trust that “good” moment after setting a boundary or removing myself and getting sucked right back in. A rubber band is my mental image.
I hadn’t been aware how engrained “maybe I overreacted and this probably wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it was” still is. I really needed that insight. It all comes back to self trust, doesn’t it?
Oof, yeah..."this probably wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was." THAT thing, too. It's noxious, isn't it?
Wonderful exploration. Goes hand in hand with the boom-bust cycle of chronic illness, I'm sure!
100%! Good point, friend.
So much ‘YES’ resounding in my head! So many fragments of thought-what do I deserve? Is deserving relative to others experiences or my own work and responsibilities? Who do I look to for permission? I judge my strength by how much hard stuff I stick with. I have a lot to journal through…
This is great to hear, Christie. Your question about the *relativity* of all this feels especially potent, and it has me thinking about the role of context. How things can seem much smaller / less important than they are only by stripping them of context...
Looking forward to hearing how the journaling goes <3
Yessss! I’ve explored this around the word “deserve” - I think it can be a useful one AND I think it also invites a lot of measuring ourselves and what we feel we need to earn or have already “earned”.
I wrote about it here: https://www.nishaland.com/blog/what-do-you-deserve
Hell yes, Nisha.
This is so powerful! I've been reflecting on this theme lately too, and the clarity of your words is so helpful right now. I co-facilitated an event last weekend that took a lot of energy from me in the lead-up and during the day itself. In the relief of it being over and now being able to more easily meet my needs for rest and respite from demands, I notice I have slid into a kind of override where it "doesn't matter" if I don't have enough sleep, now that the event is over, because I don't have anything I have to conserve energy for. It doesn't "matter" as much if I am tired over Christmas, and over-extending socially, because I've HAD my relief moment. It's insidious. Memories also come of times I've returned to harmful relationships once the relief of leaving had made its way through my system.
Oof---YES. That thing, too: When we allow ourselves to let certain things matter, versus when we don't. Thanks for teasing out this aspect. May we each be the arbiter of our own mattering <3
Love this!
Ohhhhhhh the timing today ....... 😭
Thank you, Sarah. This is definitely a walk-off Grand Slam for me. (And one I'm going to need to reread approximately 100 times this week.)(See also: tattoo my knuckles.) 🌻
So glad to be in conversation with you, friend.
Well-said Sarah. The 'That' you mention makes me think of "I am That" by Nisargadatta Maharaj. An interesting read. A great message you point out too not having to "earn or justify your preferences, boundaries, or needs."
Adding it to my reading list!
‘You are allowed to not want to do things, to say “no,” to protect your edges, and to steward your desires without assuming they must be counterbalanced with sacrifice.’ Ooof. This hit a spot. Thank you for this writing 🙏
Thank you for reading! I'm glad this found you.
"Your personhood is not where the larger world’s imbalances must be balanced out." This articulation! *Chef's kiss*
Also, thank you for this reminder. I don't like that I need this reminder so often, especially after I feel like I've permanently landed on this knowing, but turns out I do need this reminder periodically. THANK YOU.
PS-Thank you to your readers, for the comments to this post. So helpful.
I do too!! I think some of these things aren't light switches, but gardens. They don't just flip on and stay on, but need continuous tending.
Gardens that need tending! So beautifully put :)
Vital words, particularly at this time of year!
Thanks, Aisling! It was sort of accidental timing on my part, but I'm realizing we all need to be thinking about this stuff *especially* right now.