Sarah this essay is really profound. I was absorbed by it entirely, feeling how much of what you expressed I experience as well. And your writing style is so immediate and fun. And then there it was, the Distraction card, and I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement. Distraction has been one of THE HEALTHIEST things I’ve learned since I developed the dizziness. It’s been crucial because I don’t think we can be distracted if we don’t feel safe. So every time we let ourselves/our minds wander, not fixate, we are essentially telling our brains, “I am safe.” Hyper-vigilance then calms, symptoms even diminish. So bring on those distractions!
I am really, really blushing, Kimberly. And grateful for your personal share here too, because it's further reinforcing this thing I'm trying to uncover / teach my brain. Thank you for that.
Sarah, I LOVE this essay. You carry us through your experience and observations in such a perfectly-weaved way. And (sad to say) so much of your experience resonates with mine. I'm sorry about that, but happy to find understanding and insight here.
I especially like this sentence: "Which part of myself, in this discrete moment, needs the compassion more?"
Totally! Feel free to join as much or as little as you're able to. (I can also send you the slides afterwards either way, if you'd like access to the poems + prompts.)
"I'm so fucking tired of the work of being good...It’s the only job she’s ever had. It has entirely defined her existence. It’s the only way she’s ever used her time. She doesn’t know how to imagine something else."
Every syllable.
And
I'm sorry to little S. Little A is sending such big (safe) hugs and so much empathy and compassion. We relate.🌻
I think this is one of your best essays. You have so much insight into hypervigilance; your experience resonates. (I had one summer when I was free from it, and wow, what a summer that was!) Thanks for sharing, carry on, you.
Audrey
P.S. Your line, I'm so Taurus that bulls put stickers of me on their hydroflasks, genius! :)
drew! your words mean so much to me--thank you for reading, and double thank you for taking the time to comment. i'm always grateful to be seen by you.
Sarah, this resonants so deeply--powerful and poignant. I used to *hate* (I realize now) going to the gym. I felt exposed, self-conscious, and self-conscious of my self-consciousness. The tightrope act of honoring our sensitivities and living in public spaces really is a constant, self-protective tension, more exhausting than anyone would guess. But maybe strengthening, too...? Thank you for writing and sharing this.
I think you're right, Jody, to notice the strength-building aspect of all this. But yeah, exhausting and often invisible, too. I'm grateful, as always, for your readership and support <3
"I am so Taurus that bulls put stickers of me on their hydroflasks." Ha! That's outstanding. I love this whole piece. I'm super intrigued by your mushroom vision/experience -- I'm pretty sure I'd see something similar. A young girl doing some kind of work that's very anxious but that affords little time to think about or process the anxiety: just keep stacking. So good to be able to 'unpack' it all now, to slow down. No one gets out unscathed -- I've been thinking lately how grateful I am to be scathed in the ways I'm scathed, and how this has been said better and long ago, but that's all there is to arts and letters: understanding your scathing and untangling it, trying to admire and describe it and work with it.
Mmm, sending you a big grateful hug, Erin. And the gentle encouragement to keep writing the artist's statement you began here in this profound comment.
Resonating so much with this hard-working younger self who can never stop. Uncannily relevant... I have had repeated dreams for years now about both packing up and sorting endlessly messy houses and spitting things out. In my healing journey with chronic fatigue, this is the latest insight I've had: that it's the constantly holding myself to getting it right that is the most tiring thing in my system. Even getting healing right. Thank you for this powerful piece!
SO lush and lovely and vulnerable and sticky and everything I love in an essay. I felt like I had been in the gym with you, the sensory language was so immediate. But this was my a-ha sentence: "...not wanting to be perceived by others, a common and, in my strong opinion, under-described autistic trait, one that’s heightened in my own body after years and years of trying to ensure the opposite, especially when in rooms full of muscly men..." Thank you, Sarah. xo
I loved this essay. And it helped me make the connection between hypervilgilance and my never-ending packing dreams (packing, always packing, and for what?).
Sarah this essay is really profound. I was absorbed by it entirely, feeling how much of what you expressed I experience as well. And your writing style is so immediate and fun. And then there it was, the Distraction card, and I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement. Distraction has been one of THE HEALTHIEST things I’ve learned since I developed the dizziness. It’s been crucial because I don’t think we can be distracted if we don’t feel safe. So every time we let ourselves/our minds wander, not fixate, we are essentially telling our brains, “I am safe.” Hyper-vigilance then calms, symptoms even diminish. So bring on those distractions!
I am really, really blushing, Kimberly. And grateful for your personal share here too, because it's further reinforcing this thing I'm trying to uncover / teach my brain. Thank you for that.
Sarah, I LOVE this essay. You carry us through your experience and observations in such a perfectly-weaved way. And (sad to say) so much of your experience resonates with mine. I'm sorry about that, but happy to find understanding and insight here.
I especially like this sentence: "Which part of myself, in this discrete moment, needs the compassion more?"
Ditto on the sorry / happy stuff. I'm really grateful for the mutual witnessing between us <3
PS I'm hoping to be at the session tonight, maybe 15 minutes late. If I don't show up, it's because I got too tired over here on EST.
Totally! Feel free to join as much or as little as you're able to. (I can also send you the slides afterwards either way, if you'd like access to the poems + prompts.)
"I'm so fucking tired of the work of being good...It’s the only job she’s ever had. It has entirely defined her existence. It’s the only way she’s ever used her time. She doesn’t know how to imagine something else."
Every syllable.
And
I'm sorry to little S. Little A is sending such big (safe) hugs and so much empathy and compassion. We relate.🌻
Sending big big hugs back <3
Thank you for the witnessing and empathy, friend.
Sarah,
I think this is one of your best essays. You have so much insight into hypervigilance; your experience resonates. (I had one summer when I was free from it, and wow, what a summer that was!) Thanks for sharing, carry on, you.
Audrey
P.S. Your line, I'm so Taurus that bulls put stickers of me on their hydroflasks, genius! :)
Ahh, I'm floored by this! Thank you so much, Audrey. That means a lot coming from you <3
This is a beautifully painful piece. Very specific experiences yet universal, too.
Thank you for sharing this, Sarah.
drew! your words mean so much to me--thank you for reading, and double thank you for taking the time to comment. i'm always grateful to be seen by you.
Sarah, this resonants so deeply--powerful and poignant. I used to *hate* (I realize now) going to the gym. I felt exposed, self-conscious, and self-conscious of my self-consciousness. The tightrope act of honoring our sensitivities and living in public spaces really is a constant, self-protective tension, more exhausting than anyone would guess. But maybe strengthening, too...? Thank you for writing and sharing this.
I think you're right, Jody, to notice the strength-building aspect of all this. But yeah, exhausting and often invisible, too. I'm grateful, as always, for your readership and support <3
Also, happy birthday month! :)
"I am so Taurus that bulls put stickers of me on their hydroflasks." Ha! That's outstanding. I love this whole piece. I'm super intrigued by your mushroom vision/experience -- I'm pretty sure I'd see something similar. A young girl doing some kind of work that's very anxious but that affords little time to think about or process the anxiety: just keep stacking. So good to be able to 'unpack' it all now, to slow down. No one gets out unscathed -- I've been thinking lately how grateful I am to be scathed in the ways I'm scathed, and how this has been said better and long ago, but that's all there is to arts and letters: understanding your scathing and untangling it, trying to admire and describe it and work with it.
Mmm, sending you a big grateful hug, Erin. And the gentle encouragement to keep writing the artist's statement you began here in this profound comment.
Resonating so much with this hard-working younger self who can never stop. Uncannily relevant... I have had repeated dreams for years now about both packing up and sorting endlessly messy houses and spitting things out. In my healing journey with chronic fatigue, this is the latest insight I've had: that it's the constantly holding myself to getting it right that is the most tiring thing in my system. Even getting healing right. Thank you for this powerful piece!
"Even getting healing right." Wow--I needed to hear that, as I think I fall into that trap, too.
Thanks for being such a generous reader, Morgana! Your insights always impact me.
You’re welcome! Thanks for receiving.
SO lush and lovely and vulnerable and sticky and everything I love in an essay. I felt like I had been in the gym with you, the sensory language was so immediate. But this was my a-ha sentence: "...not wanting to be perceived by others, a common and, in my strong opinion, under-described autistic trait, one that’s heightened in my own body after years and years of trying to ensure the opposite, especially when in rooms full of muscly men..." Thank you, Sarah. xo
:D Thank *you,* Gail! For the truly high praise (especially coming from you).
I loved this essay. And it helped me make the connection between hypervilgilance and my never-ending packing dreams (packing, always packing, and for what?).
Oh I love that so much! Thank you for reading, friend.
I am also very very Taurus and this sounded so familiar that I could practically see it happening like your double exposure pictures!
!!!!!
That makes me happy. So glad you're here, Joan <3
Less noisy gym, more quiet Nature, maybe.