“How do I know what knowing feels like? Not just knowing, but wanting. What’s desire, and what’s obligation, and why don’t the two feel readily discernible to me?” Oh the CONSTANT conundrum 😭 so beautifully articulated
Sarah, thank you so much for writing this - there is so much here! I’m struck by how beautifully you’ve articulated that feeling of being split in two, not knowing which aspect of yourself holds the ‘right’ key in that moment. I often get stuck between expansion and regulation, feeling like a failure for choosing regulation more often and not being entirely sure of what an aligned version of stretching/sharing myself looks like. I listened to this piece on my big headphones and when you said “good things should cost me something” I just felt this wave of “they feel exactly what I battle against, too.” Thank you for painting such a vivid picture of what an alternative could look like.
Thank you, Sophie! I really appreciate you naming that nervous system framing: expansion versus regulation. Yup, it's this inner tidal feeling. I'm glad this landed well with you (and that you're utilizing the audio!).
I was filmed for a documentary recently. I was doing really well, talking about my special interests outside in woods, walking and talking. Then we sat down to keep filming but they called it an “interview” and then they surprised me by putting a great big light in my face ! I was totally thrown by the light. I wasn’t expecting it outside in daylight.
Anyhow- I’m proud that i asked them if we could do it without the light. They compromised and turned it down. It’s articles like yours that make people like me able to ask for things like this. It’s important, Thankyou.
What I love so much about this is that by moving through your experiences and feelings, you arrive at new possibilities (that vision of the room "with accomodations" is lovely--I wouldn't even call it accomodations, I'd just call it a new kind of space. I am quite sure that YOU are exactly as you are supposed to be and that by navigating through your own body's knowledge in a loving and self-honoring way, you will invent your own ways of teaching, modeling and leading and it will be exactly medicine we need. Just as in this lovely essay. <3
I am appreciating how universal the crouch position is to signal discomfort. I myself used it in my illustration on being perceived while autistic.
One personal solution i noticed that works to filter out uninvited eyeballs is a pair of glasses, possibly tinted to some degree. I wear mine for this precise purpose, i don’t have a need for glasses otherwise.
Ooh, the "confidence" things and that internal push-pull when faced with getting up in front of people. Ugh. "—“fix,” “push through,” “overcome”—and start from scratch with listening, accommodation, and steadiness..." Yes! I need to work on that too. Thanks for sharing the poem with us here, it's beautiful.
Good morning. Thank you for sharing the "room" with me. The room with you in it, the room with you not being in it. The room with your eyes on it and the room with eyes damn everywhere. And there's the room you enter, where you physically are not seen, but rather your radiant Spriit is felt. I felt your presence a few weeks back at the library, and looked up, and our eyes met. You didn't say a word. And neither did I.
Loved listening to you, Sarah. Your acceptance inspires an acceptance in me.
<3<3
“How do I know what knowing feels like? Not just knowing, but wanting. What’s desire, and what’s obligation, and why don’t the two feel readily discernible to me?” Oh the CONSTANT conundrum 😭 so beautifully articulated
Sarah, thank you so much for writing this - there is so much here! I’m struck by how beautifully you’ve articulated that feeling of being split in two, not knowing which aspect of yourself holds the ‘right’ key in that moment. I often get stuck between expansion and regulation, feeling like a failure for choosing regulation more often and not being entirely sure of what an aligned version of stretching/sharing myself looks like. I listened to this piece on my big headphones and when you said “good things should cost me something” I just felt this wave of “they feel exactly what I battle against, too.” Thank you for painting such a vivid picture of what an alternative could look like.
Thank you, Sophie! I really appreciate you naming that nervous system framing: expansion versus regulation. Yup, it's this inner tidal feeling. I'm glad this landed well with you (and that you're utilizing the audio!).
If but all rooms were dimmer with no call for hierarchy!
Hear, hear!
So well said, Thankyou.
I was filmed for a documentary recently. I was doing really well, talking about my special interests outside in woods, walking and talking. Then we sat down to keep filming but they called it an “interview” and then they surprised me by putting a great big light in my face ! I was totally thrown by the light. I wasn’t expecting it outside in daylight.
Anyhow- I’m proud that i asked them if we could do it without the light. They compromised and turned it down. It’s articles like yours that make people like me able to ask for things like this. It’s important, Thankyou.
Hell yeah--self-advocacy! Those "small" moments are *profound.*
Thank you so much for your tremendously kind words.
What I love so much about this is that by moving through your experiences and feelings, you arrive at new possibilities (that vision of the room "with accomodations" is lovely--I wouldn't even call it accomodations, I'd just call it a new kind of space. I am quite sure that YOU are exactly as you are supposed to be and that by navigating through your own body's knowledge in a loving and self-honoring way, you will invent your own ways of teaching, modeling and leading and it will be exactly medicine we need. Just as in this lovely essay. <3
Such generous witnessing, Sarah—thank you.
Thank you for writing this, and for sharing it.
Thank you for reading!
I am appreciating how universal the crouch position is to signal discomfort. I myself used it in my illustration on being perceived while autistic.
One personal solution i noticed that works to filter out uninvited eyeballs is a pair of glasses, possibly tinted to some degree. I wear mine for this precise purpose, i don’t have a need for glasses otherwise.
brilliant.
"I was—and am—a good teacher. I just didn’t know how to be a good teacher while being watched. " - I struggle with this so much too.
Ooh, the "confidence" things and that internal push-pull when faced with getting up in front of people. Ugh. "—“fix,” “push through,” “overcome”—and start from scratch with listening, accommodation, and steadiness..." Yes! I need to work on that too. Thanks for sharing the poem with us here, it's beautiful.
Thanks for reading! And commenting!
I'm really glad I got to share Rebecca's poem in the end :)
Good morning. Thank you for sharing the "room" with me. The room with you in it, the room with you not being in it. The room with your eyes on it and the room with eyes damn everywhere. And there's the room you enter, where you physically are not seen, but rather your radiant Spriit is felt. I felt your presence a few weeks back at the library, and looked up, and our eyes met. You didn't say a word. And neither did I.
❤️ ❤️