“How do I know what knowing feels like? Not just knowing, but wanting. What’s desire, and what’s obligation, and why don’t the two feel readily discernible to me?” Oh the CONSTANT conundrum 😭 so beautifully articulated
Sarah, thank you so much for writing this - there is so much here! I’m struck by how beautifully you’ve articulated that feeling of being split in two, not knowing which aspect of yourself holds the ‘right’ key in that moment. I often get stuck between expansion and regulation, feeling like a failure for choosing regulation more often and not being entirely sure of what an aligned version of stretching/sharing myself looks like. I listened to this piece on my big headphones and when you said “good things should cost me something” I just felt this wave of “they feel exactly what I battle against, too.” Thank you for painting such a vivid picture of what an alternative could look like.
Thank you, Sophie! I really appreciate you naming that nervous system framing: expansion versus regulation. Yup, it's this inner tidal feeling. I'm glad this landed well with you (and that you're utilizing the audio!).
Thanks for this! I just turned 50 and my friends and family were all shocked when I said I didn't want to do a party or even a night out at a restaurant. I just wanted to spend the day doing what made me feel good with my husband and cats. Most of my friends and family, despite knowing I'm autistic, didn't understand and shared that I was not allowing myself to celebrate my life. One friend, though, told me he understood. He told me he hated when people sing happy birthday at him. It was the "at" that resonated so much. Through his comment I realized what it was. It was the performance of gratitude for others. All my life I had a hard time with my birthday and now I know why. I don't want to worry about giving everyone else the performance they seek or worry if I am doing it right or hurting other people's feelings by not doing it right... all while they sing AT me, staring with awkward smiles. It's OK that I choose "not that." It's me, its nuanced, and it's okay. I can accommodate my needs and it's not selfish... especially on my birthday. I appreciate you reinforcing that in this story.
Oh my goodness, that small profound *at*...what a great representation of a very real, neutral need! I'm so glad this found you when it did, and that you're putting the pieces together to help you understand yourself authentically. Also, happy belated birthday :) Sounds like you really did it right.
In tears as I finish reading this beautiful piece. Your ability to slow down your internal dialogue to give us staggeringly insightful glimpses into autistic experience is incredible. I've been performing my poetry and occasionally my songs for decades, sporadically, and I still dissociate because of the overwhelm of being perceived. It's held me back incredibly and slowed my creative development and expression.
I recently experienced a performance/sharing environment that just happened to be conducive to my needs and wow.. what a difference. I led a newly composed, collaboratively created song with 4 others in front of 20 others who were gathered in circular, informal arrangements beside and around trees and in gentle sun and shade. Observers could look at me or the others or at the trees, could close their eyes. We were all on a level - no podium or stage. No harsh lighting. I was told I looked radiant afterwards, in my element. And I think it's the first time I've not dissociated in sharing my work.
Thank you for helping me realise why this worked for me. And how I could create similar environments in future. Thank you for holding the possibilities with me / us and de-pathologising autistic needs.
“Suddenly, I couldn’t tell whether I wanted to go up there and was just feeling afraid—stage fright is a widely common experience, after all—or whether I genuinely didn’t want to, and only thought I did.” I have this experience so damn often!!!! I often can’t untangle whether what I’m choosing to do is based on obligation or want. Whether what I don’t want to do is because of anxiety or because it’s really not for me. It puts me into decision making paralysis so often!! And tends to result in my repeating the same choices over and over without ever really learning if I desire them or not.
I was filmed for a documentary recently. I was doing really well, talking about my special interests outside in woods, walking and talking. Then we sat down to keep filming but they called it an “interview” and then they surprised me by putting a great big light in my face ! I was totally thrown by the light. I wasn’t expecting it outside in daylight.
Anyhow- I’m proud that i asked them if we could do it without the light. They compromised and turned it down. It’s articles like yours that make people like me able to ask for things like this. It’s important, Thankyou.
What I love so much about this is that by moving through your experiences and feelings, you arrive at new possibilities (that vision of the room "with accomodations" is lovely--I wouldn't even call it accomodations, I'd just call it a new kind of space. I am quite sure that YOU are exactly as you are supposed to be and that by navigating through your own body's knowledge in a loving and self-honoring way, you will invent your own ways of teaching, modeling and leading and it will be exactly medicine we need. Just as in this lovely essay. <3
I am appreciating how universal the crouch position is to signal discomfort. I myself used it in my illustration on being perceived while autistic.
One personal solution i noticed that works to filter out uninvited eyeballs is a pair of glasses, possibly tinted to some degree. I wear mine for this precise purpose, i don’t have a need for glasses otherwise.
Ooh, the "confidence" things and that internal push-pull when faced with getting up in front of people. Ugh. "—“fix,” “push through,” “overcome”—and start from scratch with listening, accommodation, and steadiness..." Yes! I need to work on that too. Thanks for sharing the poem with us here, it's beautiful.
Good morning. Thank you for sharing the "room" with me. The room with you in it, the room with you not being in it. The room with your eyes on it and the room with eyes damn everywhere. And there's the room you enter, where you physically are not seen, but rather your radiant Spriit is felt. I felt your presence a few weeks back at the library, and looked up, and our eyes met. You didn't say a word. And neither did I.
“How do I know what knowing feels like? Not just knowing, but wanting. What’s desire, and what’s obligation, and why don’t the two feel readily discernible to me?” Oh the CONSTANT conundrum 😭 so beautifully articulated
This question obsesses me too!
Loved listening to you, Sarah. Your acceptance inspires an acceptance in me.
<3<3
If but all rooms were dimmer with no call for hierarchy!
Hear, hear!
Sarah, thank you so much for writing this - there is so much here! I’m struck by how beautifully you’ve articulated that feeling of being split in two, not knowing which aspect of yourself holds the ‘right’ key in that moment. I often get stuck between expansion and regulation, feeling like a failure for choosing regulation more often and not being entirely sure of what an aligned version of stretching/sharing myself looks like. I listened to this piece on my big headphones and when you said “good things should cost me something” I just felt this wave of “they feel exactly what I battle against, too.” Thank you for painting such a vivid picture of what an alternative could look like.
Thank you, Sophie! I really appreciate you naming that nervous system framing: expansion versus regulation. Yup, it's this inner tidal feeling. I'm glad this landed well with you (and that you're utilizing the audio!).
Thanks for this! I just turned 50 and my friends and family were all shocked when I said I didn't want to do a party or even a night out at a restaurant. I just wanted to spend the day doing what made me feel good with my husband and cats. Most of my friends and family, despite knowing I'm autistic, didn't understand and shared that I was not allowing myself to celebrate my life. One friend, though, told me he understood. He told me he hated when people sing happy birthday at him. It was the "at" that resonated so much. Through his comment I realized what it was. It was the performance of gratitude for others. All my life I had a hard time with my birthday and now I know why. I don't want to worry about giving everyone else the performance they seek or worry if I am doing it right or hurting other people's feelings by not doing it right... all while they sing AT me, staring with awkward smiles. It's OK that I choose "not that." It's me, its nuanced, and it's okay. I can accommodate my needs and it's not selfish... especially on my birthday. I appreciate you reinforcing that in this story.
Oh my goodness, that small profound *at*...what a great representation of a very real, neutral need! I'm so glad this found you when it did, and that you're putting the pieces together to help you understand yourself authentically. Also, happy belated birthday :) Sounds like you really did it right.
It was perfect and my husband was great to defend my choices. Thanks!
In tears as I finish reading this beautiful piece. Your ability to slow down your internal dialogue to give us staggeringly insightful glimpses into autistic experience is incredible. I've been performing my poetry and occasionally my songs for decades, sporadically, and I still dissociate because of the overwhelm of being perceived. It's held me back incredibly and slowed my creative development and expression.
I recently experienced a performance/sharing environment that just happened to be conducive to my needs and wow.. what a difference. I led a newly composed, collaboratively created song with 4 others in front of 20 others who were gathered in circular, informal arrangements beside and around trees and in gentle sun and shade. Observers could look at me or the others or at the trees, could close their eyes. We were all on a level - no podium or stage. No harsh lighting. I was told I looked radiant afterwards, in my element. And I think it's the first time I've not dissociated in sharing my work.
Thank you for helping me realise why this worked for me. And how I could create similar environments in future. Thank you for holding the possibilities with me / us and de-pathologising autistic needs.
My heart is so full reading this comment!!! Just lots and lots and lots of love for you.
Thank you!! 😊
“Suddenly, I couldn’t tell whether I wanted to go up there and was just feeling afraid—stage fright is a widely common experience, after all—or whether I genuinely didn’t want to, and only thought I did.” I have this experience so damn often!!!! I often can’t untangle whether what I’m choosing to do is based on obligation or want. Whether what I don’t want to do is because of anxiety or because it’s really not for me. It puts me into decision making paralysis so often!! And tends to result in my repeating the same choices over and over without ever really learning if I desire them or not.
It really is SO agonizing, right?!
Trying to get closer and closer to what birdknowing feels like <3
So well said, Thankyou.
I was filmed for a documentary recently. I was doing really well, talking about my special interests outside in woods, walking and talking. Then we sat down to keep filming but they called it an “interview” and then they surprised me by putting a great big light in my face ! I was totally thrown by the light. I wasn’t expecting it outside in daylight.
Anyhow- I’m proud that i asked them if we could do it without the light. They compromised and turned it down. It’s articles like yours that make people like me able to ask for things like this. It’s important, Thankyou.
Hell yeah--self-advocacy! Those "small" moments are *profound.*
Thank you so much for your tremendously kind words.
What I love so much about this is that by moving through your experiences and feelings, you arrive at new possibilities (that vision of the room "with accomodations" is lovely--I wouldn't even call it accomodations, I'd just call it a new kind of space. I am quite sure that YOU are exactly as you are supposed to be and that by navigating through your own body's knowledge in a loving and self-honoring way, you will invent your own ways of teaching, modeling and leading and it will be exactly medicine we need. Just as in this lovely essay. <3
Such generous witnessing, Sarah—thank you.
Thank you for writing this, and for sharing it.
Thank you for reading!
I am appreciating how universal the crouch position is to signal discomfort. I myself used it in my illustration on being perceived while autistic.
One personal solution i noticed that works to filter out uninvited eyeballs is a pair of glasses, possibly tinted to some degree. I wear mine for this precise purpose, i don’t have a need for glasses otherwise.
brilliant.
"I was—and am—a good teacher. I just didn’t know how to be a good teacher while being watched. " - I struggle with this so much too.
Ooh, the "confidence" things and that internal push-pull when faced with getting up in front of people. Ugh. "—“fix,” “push through,” “overcome”—and start from scratch with listening, accommodation, and steadiness..." Yes! I need to work on that too. Thanks for sharing the poem with us here, it's beautiful.
Thanks for reading! And commenting!
I'm really glad I got to share Rebecca's poem in the end :)
Good morning. Thank you for sharing the "room" with me. The room with you in it, the room with you not being in it. The room with your eyes on it and the room with eyes damn everywhere. And there's the room you enter, where you physically are not seen, but rather your radiant Spriit is felt. I felt your presence a few weeks back at the library, and looked up, and our eyes met. You didn't say a word. And neither did I.
❤️ ❤️