Wow. "I like that about myself—the working and remembering, the attentiveness. But it makes me tired, too." Yes. I work so hard at "conscious communication" and then at times, like in my premenstrual week or just when a lot is bubbling up emotionally, the word "fuck" comes out more and I notice how uncomfortable it makes those around me. Fascinating. I love this invitation to explore in our writing. I truly do believe there is worth in all these things. My anger shows me where my boundaries lie.
i was just talking about this yesterday with a friend—how tightly i try to clamp down my impatience and "meanness" and anger during That Week—and they said "you've been so accommodating your whole life that being assertive at all feels mean, but this anger is actually good"
Wow, that's a powerful and challenging practice, and one I'm going to have to work with over time. But I have some initial reactions, so I'll jot them down now.
I have tended to censor a lot of my more negative emotions (even while being deeply suspicious of the emphasis on positivity/gratitude in pop psychology). There are a few reasons for this. One is that I'm very aware of my privilege: I'm an able-bodied, white, cis-het, English-as-a-first-language man who grew up with middle-class education and opportunities. Apart from being probably neurodivergent and having red hair, I'm about as un-oppressed as it's possible to be--so anything that's wrong in my life must be my own damn fault. And whatever's wrong in my life is trivial compared to what others endure. What right do I have to complain?
But I'm starting to dismantle that way of thinking. First of all, I'm human--which means I have known sickness and injury and loss, and I will know old age and death. I know fatigue--wow, do I know fatigue.
Also, the very social structures that give meaning to the privilege I mentioned above are inherently oppressive--and I'm coming to understand that oppressive systems suck, even for those they privilege. I'm angry and hurt because I can see and empathise with what these systems do to others (especially in the current political climate), and I'm scared because I know that no-one is safe, including me.
Also, I'm starting to realise that some of the stuff that happened in my childhood really sucked. No, I didn't experience horrendous abuse or neglect, but I was repeatedly torn away from people I loved, and places that I considered home. I lost a language (English wasn't my only first language, I learned Malay at the same time).
Anyway, time to put a lid on this; my inner critic is screaming at me that I shouldn't be writing any of this, much less in a comment on someone else's post, it's boring and self-indulgent, and I should delete it! But in the spirit of what you wrote, about how scary it is to write what you shouldn't, I'm going to leave it! (though of course I'm happy to delete at your request)
LEAVE IT! DELETE NOTHING! This whole thing has me buzzing with happiness and reciprocity and some really deep thoughts, which I'm grateful to be having. I'll try to capture just a few of them:
"Also, the very social structures that give meaning to the privilege I mentioned above are inherently oppressive." <-THIS. I actually think you're pointing out something deftly profound here, and way more nuanced than some of our mainstream conversations around privilege make space for. Thank you for making space for this here.
"First of all, I'm human--which means I have known sickness and injury and loss, and I will know old age and death. I know fatigue--wow, do I know fatigue." <--YUP. Same as my comment above--thank you for giving language to this. What I really appreciate is how much I *don't* hear you dismissing anything--you aren't saying, "well, all lives matter," for example. Again, you're really pointing at the nuanced context of humanity, and it just feels so very spacious and authentic and inclusive.
Wow, thank you. Your reply (and your initial post) means so much to me. I joined Substack out of a need to be part of conversations about what it actually means/feels like to be alive in the world right now, and this feels like a step in the right direction.
Eaised right white guy, I hear you and you are as important as anyone here. Trauma is personal, only known to you. Play it up not down. Be your mad inner teen if it's true to you. So much love.
Disrespect is definitely my inner teenager—who I struggle to connect with at this point in my life, but who I still feel I have a lot to learn from. There is a nihilism, too, connected to all this that I feel both pulled towards and repulsed by.
I ran across this Antonio Gramsci quote that popped into my mind reading this: “My mind is pessimistic, but my will is optimistic.”
This is powerful, and so very important. And it takes a strong, trusting psychological foundation to let yourself go there. Valuing/prioritizing one end of the spectrum and not the other can be dangerous, yet our culture tries its best to tell us otherwise.
To “undrench ourselves” from kindness!”
“To give myself unconditional permission to be conditional.”
Yesterday, I saw two sides to myself in the exact same moment. One hand was literally still up waving an aggressive two fingers some 'baby-boomer bastard' while the rest of me was clicking into polite and helpful in response to a guy who just wanted to ask if I knew where the honesty box was for a trundle of flowers on the corner to where we'd broken down. 😂
To be clear, I'm not normally the saluting, name-calling sort. Which makes it far funnier. I think in that moment, I mostly just resented him for not having oestrogen or progesterone - as much as his apparent assumption it was intentional and I wanted to be there baking to a crisp in the sun and missing a client call.
Here’s the hot take. Thank you thank thank you thank you.
I don’t know you, I wandered here and have only heard this. In fact, it’s the first time I have ever listened to a Substack. Usually, I don’t, because it’s not the perfect way. Reading is better. So I don’t know you. Or your brand.
I just…I believe you when you say you took a chance and it felt scary to write this. There are so many things I don’t write, or definitely don’t publish, because they’re not the right thing, not in service of my brand. Or because someone has already said it.
A quick skim of the comments here is so validating too. I’m definitely up against the inner critic as my thumb hovers over the “send” arrow. Sending love to all of you, to all of us.
Thank you for not listening to the fear and for putting this out there.
Sonja! I'm nearly speechless and feel like I need to copy and paste this comment somewhere special where I can be reminded of it. I'm so glad you clicked send. I'm so glad our paths crossed.
wow. I LOVE this Sarah. All of it. So powerful. A favourite line: "So, too, the anger. And the rage, and the way fuck off remains poised on my lips, more often than you might guess. More often than my “brand” suggests." Thank you so much ✨
I applaud you for embracing, writing, sharing the world of emotions, the ying-ying of plus and minus, happy-sad-mad, figuring it out, living it out. You are never to be type cast, to be fit in a single mold. You explore all worlds, you don't stay at the 5-star hotels for you are mingling with the people, with culture, taking risks, leading an extraordinary full life.
I really loved this and can so relate!! I also try my hardest to choose kindness. And then sometimes I don’t and I’m usually sorry I fell off the kindness and compassion horse and I have to pull myself back up on that fucker. Again and again.
Wow. "I like that about myself—the working and remembering, the attentiveness. But it makes me tired, too." Yes. I work so hard at "conscious communication" and then at times, like in my premenstrual week or just when a lot is bubbling up emotionally, the word "fuck" comes out more and I notice how uncomfortable it makes those around me. Fascinating. I love this invitation to explore in our writing. I truly do believe there is worth in all these things. My anger shows me where my boundaries lie.
YEP! Exactly.
i was just talking about this yesterday with a friend—how tightly i try to clamp down my impatience and "meanness" and anger during That Week—and they said "you've been so accommodating your whole life that being assertive at all feels mean, but this anger is actually good"
oof--I want to be friends with your friend.
Yes! So much power in that.
Wow, that's a powerful and challenging practice, and one I'm going to have to work with over time. But I have some initial reactions, so I'll jot them down now.
I have tended to censor a lot of my more negative emotions (even while being deeply suspicious of the emphasis on positivity/gratitude in pop psychology). There are a few reasons for this. One is that I'm very aware of my privilege: I'm an able-bodied, white, cis-het, English-as-a-first-language man who grew up with middle-class education and opportunities. Apart from being probably neurodivergent and having red hair, I'm about as un-oppressed as it's possible to be--so anything that's wrong in my life must be my own damn fault. And whatever's wrong in my life is trivial compared to what others endure. What right do I have to complain?
But I'm starting to dismantle that way of thinking. First of all, I'm human--which means I have known sickness and injury and loss, and I will know old age and death. I know fatigue--wow, do I know fatigue.
Also, the very social structures that give meaning to the privilege I mentioned above are inherently oppressive--and I'm coming to understand that oppressive systems suck, even for those they privilege. I'm angry and hurt because I can see and empathise with what these systems do to others (especially in the current political climate), and I'm scared because I know that no-one is safe, including me.
Also, I'm starting to realise that some of the stuff that happened in my childhood really sucked. No, I didn't experience horrendous abuse or neglect, but I was repeatedly torn away from people I loved, and places that I considered home. I lost a language (English wasn't my only first language, I learned Malay at the same time).
Anyway, time to put a lid on this; my inner critic is screaming at me that I shouldn't be writing any of this, much less in a comment on someone else's post, it's boring and self-indulgent, and I should delete it! But in the spirit of what you wrote, about how scary it is to write what you shouldn't, I'm going to leave it! (though of course I'm happy to delete at your request)
LEAVE IT! DELETE NOTHING! This whole thing has me buzzing with happiness and reciprocity and some really deep thoughts, which I'm grateful to be having. I'll try to capture just a few of them:
"Also, the very social structures that give meaning to the privilege I mentioned above are inherently oppressive." <-THIS. I actually think you're pointing out something deftly profound here, and way more nuanced than some of our mainstream conversations around privilege make space for. Thank you for making space for this here.
"First of all, I'm human--which means I have known sickness and injury and loss, and I will know old age and death. I know fatigue--wow, do I know fatigue." <--YUP. Same as my comment above--thank you for giving language to this. What I really appreciate is how much I *don't* hear you dismissing anything--you aren't saying, "well, all lives matter," for example. Again, you're really pointing at the nuanced context of humanity, and it just feels so very spacious and authentic and inclusive.
Thanks for meeting me in this full moon spirit.
Wow, thank you. Your reply (and your initial post) means so much to me. I joined Substack out of a need to be part of conversations about what it actually means/feels like to be alive in the world right now, and this feels like a step in the right direction.
<3
Eaised right white guy, I hear you and you are as important as anyone here. Trauma is personal, only known to you. Play it up not down. Be your mad inner teen if it's true to you. So much love.
Thank you so much!
Disrespect is definitely my inner teenager—who I struggle to connect with at this point in my life, but who I still feel I have a lot to learn from. There is a nihilism, too, connected to all this that I feel both pulled towards and repulsed by.
I ran across this Antonio Gramsci quote that popped into my mind reading this: “My mind is pessimistic, but my will is optimistic.”
oh shit. this made me emotional in a way that really caught me off guard.
(also, speaking of will: it took *everything* in me not to comment, "who dis?")
This is powerful, and so very important. And it takes a strong, trusting psychological foundation to let yourself go there. Valuing/prioritizing one end of the spectrum and not the other can be dangerous, yet our culture tries its best to tell us otherwise.
To “undrench ourselves” from kindness!”
“To give myself unconditional permission to be conditional.”
🙏
Yes! Well said--in fact I think it tells us that going there is what's dangerous, which just can't be true.
thank you, i needed to read this
I knew I was writing it for someone!
Yesterday, I saw two sides to myself in the exact same moment. One hand was literally still up waving an aggressive two fingers some 'baby-boomer bastard' while the rest of me was clicking into polite and helpful in response to a guy who just wanted to ask if I knew where the honesty box was for a trundle of flowers on the corner to where we'd broken down. 😂
Ha! I love this scene. Both sides feel right.
To be clear, I'm not normally the saluting, name-calling sort. Which makes it far funnier. I think in that moment, I mostly just resented him for not having oestrogen or progesterone - as much as his apparent assumption it was intentional and I wanted to be there baking to a crisp in the sun and missing a client call.
Here’s the hot take. Thank you thank thank you thank you.
I don’t know you, I wandered here and have only heard this. In fact, it’s the first time I have ever listened to a Substack. Usually, I don’t, because it’s not the perfect way. Reading is better. So I don’t know you. Or your brand.
I just…I believe you when you say you took a chance and it felt scary to write this. There are so many things I don’t write, or definitely don’t publish, because they’re not the right thing, not in service of my brand. Or because someone has already said it.
A quick skim of the comments here is so validating too. I’m definitely up against the inner critic as my thumb hovers over the “send” arrow. Sending love to all of you, to all of us.
Thank you for not listening to the fear and for putting this out there.
Sonja! I'm nearly speechless and feel like I need to copy and paste this comment somewhere special where I can be reminded of it. I'm so glad you clicked send. I'm so glad our paths crossed.
wow. I LOVE this Sarah. All of it. So powerful. A favourite line: "So, too, the anger. And the rage, and the way fuck off remains poised on my lips, more often than you might guess. More often than my “brand” suggests." Thank you so much ✨
Thanks for being a good influence on me, Hannah <3
right back at ya :)
Loooovvve this!
This is such generous permission, Sarah.
I applaud you for embracing, writing, sharing the world of emotions, the ying-ying of plus and minus, happy-sad-mad, figuring it out, living it out. You are never to be type cast, to be fit in a single mold. You explore all worlds, you don't stay at the 5-star hotels for you are mingling with the people, with culture, taking risks, leading an extraordinary full life.
Thank you, Bill <3
I really loved this and can so relate!! I also try my hardest to choose kindness. And then sometimes I don’t and I’m usually sorry I fell off the kindness and compassion horse and I have to pull myself back up on that fucker. Again and again.
You said to let you know. So this: https://open.substack.com/pub/unshamed/p/dear-baby-boy-mommy-is-an-addict?r=3ae6y6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
Cos right now I'm empty
[speechless]
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Oh shit, I just did this!
Because of this post.
https://open.substack.com/pub/unshamed/p/dear-baby-boy-mommy-is-an-addict?r=3ae6y6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
i have never felt like i belong anywhere or can experience true intimacy and sometimes that really hurts. i fear it is more hurtful for my loved ones.
thank you for meeting me in the brave, scary space.
thankyou for the invitation 🍄🌱
amen, amen, amen
We do not have to be good :)
❤️🔥🖤🩸☺️