"About the experience of continuing onward without needing to make yourself all that different than you currently are." Brilliant description of the function of stimming. There is so much about being autistic that is just finding a way to continue functioning, and so much of it automatic.
I love the idea that unmasking is merely noticing the mask - and mindfully taking it off, may I add?
I noticed that I was excessively drained at the end of last week, my first full week back to work after the holidays. Between Orientation woes (I work in higher ed) and checking on SoCal family and friends, I was at my wit's end. But Friday night came, and I broke down into tears of relief. The weekend! Finally! I took out my journal to reflect and figure out why I felt so devastated - but the acts of changing into preferred clothing, putting on soothing music (lo-fi beats, always), drinking hot tea, and snuggling into bed with my journal completely turned me around. I even felt okay enough to go on a walk.
It was like I felt myself physically remove a mask from over my whole body. I didn't "have" to smile at anyone, I didn't "have" to seem chipper for anyone, either. There was no status quo for me to assimilate to. I could just ~be~.
I'm trying not to cling to the mask as tightly this week (so far, so good, haha). I'm learning that just like anything else, it's a practice. Noticing the tension, loosen the tension. Breathing in, breathing out. Practice makes progress.
This is beautiful! I especially loved the well-articulated description of your experience at the Farmer's Market. I sometimes think I'm stimming wrong or not finding the correct self-soothing activity because it doesn't make me feel all that good. I'm blown away by the idea that sometimes the point is something else. That's a very helpful reframing. Thanks so much!
Beautiful work, Sarah. Your writing helps me go deeper in my own experiences of things like unmasking, noticing uncomfortable true things about ourselves neutrally, stimming as maintenance and not improvement. As always, so grateful that you do what you do for readers.
"When I hear stimming described as a self-soothing process, I am sometimes confused. I think of soothingness as a conscious experience, something that will register as pleasant and good. But I don’t always feel pleasant or good when I’m stimming. I don’t always feel actively soothed, made better, by fidgeting, or by my headphones, or my earplugs, or any of the measures I take in order to make myself feel—exist—betterly.
I think these measures are not always about better, about change.
I think these measures are sometimes about maintenance, about stasis.
About the experience of continuing onward without needing to make yourself all that different than you currently are."
I'm really fascinated by this insight. Gonna ponder it.
"About the experience of continuing onward without needing to make yourself all that different than you currently are." Brilliant description of the function of stimming. There is so much about being autistic that is just finding a way to continue functioning, and so much of it automatic.
I love the idea that unmasking is merely noticing the mask - and mindfully taking it off, may I add?
I noticed that I was excessively drained at the end of last week, my first full week back to work after the holidays. Between Orientation woes (I work in higher ed) and checking on SoCal family and friends, I was at my wit's end. But Friday night came, and I broke down into tears of relief. The weekend! Finally! I took out my journal to reflect and figure out why I felt so devastated - but the acts of changing into preferred clothing, putting on soothing music (lo-fi beats, always), drinking hot tea, and snuggling into bed with my journal completely turned me around. I even felt okay enough to go on a walk.
It was like I felt myself physically remove a mask from over my whole body. I didn't "have" to smile at anyone, I didn't "have" to seem chipper for anyone, either. There was no status quo for me to assimilate to. I could just ~be~.
I'm trying not to cling to the mask as tightly this week (so far, so good, haha). I'm learning that just like anything else, it's a practice. Noticing the tension, loosen the tension. Breathing in, breathing out. Practice makes progress.
I love this so much.
This is beautiful! I especially loved the well-articulated description of your experience at the Farmer's Market. I sometimes think I'm stimming wrong or not finding the correct self-soothing activity because it doesn't make me feel all that good. I'm blown away by the idea that sometimes the point is something else. That's a very helpful reframing. Thanks so much!
Beautiful work, Sarah. Your writing helps me go deeper in my own experiences of things like unmasking, noticing uncomfortable true things about ourselves neutrally, stimming as maintenance and not improvement. As always, so grateful that you do what you do for readers.
"When I hear stimming described as a self-soothing process, I am sometimes confused. I think of soothingness as a conscious experience, something that will register as pleasant and good. But I don’t always feel pleasant or good when I’m stimming. I don’t always feel actively soothed, made better, by fidgeting, or by my headphones, or my earplugs, or any of the measures I take in order to make myself feel—exist—betterly.
I think these measures are not always about better, about change.
I think these measures are sometimes about maintenance, about stasis.
About the experience of continuing onward without needing to make yourself all that different than you currently are."
I'm really fascinated by this insight. Gonna ponder it.
I get this! The bring present to whatever arises is an entirely different kind of peace than the peace we think we are seeking. Brilliant piece Sarah.